Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Rampant New Year's Resolution - Drink 1-2 Cocktails Per Day

New Year's Resolutions are usually a waste of time and attention since they are abandoned by mid-February. But this is one New Year's Resolution I think I can keep.

This report lists several significant health benefits from drinking 1-2 adult beverages per day. I think I can manage that if I can afford it, what with all the puritanical sin-taxes burdening my new health kick.

Religious nuts who want to hide liquor stores and tax my health-drink are simply getting between me and my efforts to maintain my body, what the Bible calls the "temple of the Lord". Is that what Jesus would do?

My only question: If I save up my 1-2 daily drinks during the week and drink 6-12 on Saturday night, does that still count?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Joyous Chriskwanzukah!

Several years ago someone I know referred to Kwanzaa as a "made-up holiday." Rather that try in vain to argue with the small-minded person who obviously got off on demeaning events important to other people, I just ignored it. But I've given it some thought, and I've decided that all holidays are made up.

Before I address this conclusion, I wanted to know more about Kwanzaa, because I simply didn't know anything about it. I did a little research. It started in 1966 and is neither religious nor political, but a celebration of African American culture.

Kwanzaa is based on the Nguzo Saba (seven guiding principles), one for each day of the observance, and is celebrated from December 26th to January 1st. The seven principals are:

Umoja (oo-MO-jah) Unity stresses the importance of togetherness for the family and the community, which is reflected in the African saying, "I am We," or "I am because We are."
Kujichagulia (koo-gee-cha-goo-LEE-yah) Self-Determination requires that we define our common interests and make decisions that are in the best interest of our family and community.
Ujima (oo-GEE-mah) Collective Work and Responsibility reminds us of our obligation to the past, present and future, and that we have a role to play in the community, society, and world.
Ujamaa (oo-JAH-mah) Cooperative economics emphasizes our collective economic strength and encourages us to meet common needs through mutual support.
Nia (NEE-yah) Purpose encourages us to look within ourselves and to set personal goals that are beneficial to the community.
Kuumba (koo-OOM-bah) Creativity makes use of our creative energies to build and maintain a strong and vibrant community.
Imani (ee-MAH-nee) Faith focuses on honoring the best of our traditions, draws upon the best in ourselves, and helps us strive for a higher level of life for humankind, by affirming our self-worth and confidence in our ability to succeed and triumph in righteous struggle.

What is a holiday? It's an observance created by a group of people with some common connection or belief. Sounds like Kwanzaa to me.

Most everyone reading this will know that Christmas is the observance of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, whom Christians believe grew into a great teacher and ultimately, the deified messiah of humankind (according to a vote of the Nicene Conference in 70 AD). Nothing in the Bible instructs Christians to set aside a day each year for such an observance. (I know this gets a little lost in the Santa Clause and winter solstice tree crap.
Christians have really fucked this whole thing up by overshadowing this sweet virgin-birth myth with winter solstice pagan ritual (the tree) and the legend of some old saint with bad fashion sense who lives in the North Pole(?) with elves(?). And don't get me started on that annoying drummer boy! A drummer at a birth? What the fuck?)

Likewise, Easter is the observance of the death and resurrection of that same Jesus of Nazareth. And again, nothing in the Bible instructs Christians to have such a holiday. (BTW the Christians have fucked this up too by involving some magic rabbit who sneaks into houses and leaves candy for kids. Leave it to Christians to take one of the most profound and gut-wrenching myths in human culture and commercialize it to sell jelly beans and malted milk balls.)

(Before you have a stroke - by "myth" I only mean "unproven." A myth is not necessarily false, it is just unproven. And if you could prove all of those events and miracles, you wouldn't need faith, would you?)

And Chanukah, also known as the Festival of Lights, is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt of the 2nd century BCE. Chanukah is observed for eight nights, starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, which may occur at any time from late November to late December in the Gregorian calendar

My point is simply this: just because a holiday is not yours does not diminish its significance or its importance to those who do celebrate it.

And all commemorations are, essentially, "made-up" insofar as some group of people decided to start having a holiday for some significant event or belief.

So whether you are celebrating Chanukah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, or some combination thereof, (or whether you are a happy heathen taking advantage of the time off from work to drink and party/relax), Happy Holidays from RampantAnthem! (For your present I give you many sets of parentheses!)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

This Is Just De-Pressing!

This psycho in Massachusetts says she knows her life is going to be "good" - despite being separated from her husband and having her work hours cut - because she can see the image of Jesus in her iron. Jesus Fucking Iron! You know who else that filthy mark looks like? How about Charlie Manson, the Predator alien, and every member of ZZ Top?

I know we get a "I can see Jesus/Mary in my _________________" story every week. They are all depressing to me because these people are finding solace, or miracles, or whatever in mundane shit instead of actually doing something to make their lives better. Faith should lift you up, not make you a pathetic, gullible, stupid loser. If your faith actually makes you a pathetic, gullible, stupid loser (like this idiot with the dirty iron), maybe you should consider atheism.

And where do we get off calling Muslim martyrs crazy? At least they die for what they believe in based on religious teachings. Here in the "In God We Trust" land, we worship toast and dog asses and irons that have weird, shadowy shapes as being messages from God. What the fuck?

Religious zealots all irk the shit out of me, but I can at least respect the ones that base their zeal on scripture and personal experiences. Shadowy images on food, household appliances, and animal asses are apocryphal at best, and moronic at worst. Religion may be the opiate of the masses, but it is also the acid of the stupid.

Stop looking for signs to make you feel all warm and fuzzy and take care of your shit. Go to a couple's counselor to work on your marriage. Go find another job or go back to school. Actually do something to make your life "good," and stop waiting for it to just happen because of your magic-Jesus-iron!

That being said, I wonder if she has given any thought to the fact that she is rubbing a steamy hot Jesus against the crotch of her pants every time she presses them.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

We Only Love the "-est"

What is it about human beings that makes us only love the "-est?" The biggest

or the smallest (for example).

We also love the oldest and the newest (or youngest). We love the fastest and the slowest. We love the loudest and the softest. We love the darkest and the lightest.

We are not so keen on the "-er." If you are only bigger or smaller, faster or slower, darker or lighter, louder or softer, that's not impressive enough. We only really love the "-est."

What are you "-est" at?

Where Does One Hide an 18-Foot Pole?

A 69-year-old West Seattle man allegedly stole an 18-foot totem pole from a Seattle Park, using a crew with a crane, and hauled it 200 miles to Keizer, Oregon (near Salem).

(1) How? How do you secretly get an 18-foot pole out of the ground (with a crane) at a public park and then sneak it to a place 200 miles away? Was he hauling it in a really, really big wienermobile?

(2) Why? I can't figure this out. He lives in West Seattle, but took the totem pole to Oregon. Was he so offended by the totem pole that he had to take it 200 miles away from where he lived? Was he planning to move to Oregon and simply wanted a souvenir of his time in Seattle? Was the totem pole a cruel taunt of his erectile dysfunction? I'm at a loss.

Human beings are sometimes predictable and sometimes surprising; but this is just pointless and weird. If this guy was 19, I'd say he was high and his equally stoned friends dared him to do it. But at 69 years old, I'm not buying the ganja-induced dare (though in Seattle, anything is possible). I'm guessing he is going to go to real prison for this. The Totem Pole is valued at around $75,000, and he crossed state lines. He could even end up in federal prison. For stealing a fucking totem pole.

This is your 15 minutes, moron! Your family must be so proud.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Joe Lieberman Is a Tool and the Democratic Party Is His Bitch.

Joe Lieberman has threatened to filibuster any effort in the US Senate to expand medicare (by allowing buy-ins down to age 55) or provide a public option for health insurance. Ergo, he is a bought-and-paid-for political whore doing the bidding of the health insurance industry IMO. I.e. - a TOOL!

The Democratic leadership allows Lieberman to continue to chair committees and have influence in their caucus even though he is singlehandedly stopping health insurance reform. Ergo, the Democratic party is Lieberman's bitch.

Is there anything more humiliating that the the bitch of a whore?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"That's Is Not Mine, Officer! I've Never Seen It Before!"

In the quaint ski hamlet of Steamboat Springs, Colorado, a local resident filed a police report claiming that a pooping bandit had broken into her home, left a "deposit" in her toilet, and fled without flushing. She insisted she had never seen the turd before, so it had to have come from an intruder.

Results of the investigation have not been made public yet.

I was tempted to just post the above description and let the bizarre story speak for itself, but that is hardly cathartic for me. So...

I have to admit that if I found such a surprise in my can, I would assume I had just been distracted and simply forgot that I had, you know, done it myself. I don't think I would surmise (imagine!) that an intruder (ghost?) had invaded my home (delusion!) and left it for me (paranoid!!). But kudos to the Steamboat Springs Police Department for doing everything in their power to "wipe out" crime!

"Please, Sir, Can I Have Some More?"

Who de-glammed Adam Lambert and turned him Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist? Admittedly, his wardrobe is more expensive that the famous orphan, but what the fuck happened to the Glittery Alien?

Let's take stock: No rings or chains or necklaces at all. (He would be fired from TGIF for "lack of flare!") Not a glit or shimmer in sight. And has he ever worn any pants that loose in his life? (There are actual folds and drops in his jeans. Did he lose his luggage?) The boots are nice, but that hat! (Somewhere in Miami is an angry lesbian with a cold, closely shorn head!)

Going for "cute and boyish" instead of "sexy and glamorous?" Yeah, that's Kris Allen's gig, dude. Get back in the bathroom and finish getting ready!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Climb at Your Own Risk, Morons!

People are lost on the icy side of Mount Hood near Portland, Oregon again. My head hurts from rolling my eyes at this. Yeah, it's sad that they are probably going to die, but they knew that when they went to go climb the icy, treacherous mountain. They assumed the risk.

The real obscenity of this repeat occurrence is that rescue workers are out trying to find them, and they are being paid for this rescue by tax dollars. Why should taxes pay for the rescue of morons who not only don't have the sense to come in from the cold, but don't have the sense to stay off an icy, snow-covered, freezing mountainside?

This might make the Darwin Awards list but for the fact that so many morons die this way every year.

I have a message for the other morons out there considering this fatal folly: An REI Membership and an ice-axe doesn't make you immortal. Stay inside and live to see another spring.

"Facebook Romance Gone Bad" or "Defriended at Gunpoint!"

Like many people, a Detroit man was looking for, let's say it was "love," on the Internet (Facebook to be more precise). He made plans to meet his on-line paramour in Madison, Wisconsin. After spending the week "dating" him, she drove him to the bus station, pulled out her little gun, and robbed him of his money, wallet, luggage, and cellphone.

This news story raised questions. The first one is: why did she wait to rob him until he was leaving? Did she not intend to rob him when she lured him to Madison but then later thought, "oh, what the hell, I can always lure another schmuck to Madison and I need money?" Or did she intend to rob him all along but spent the week "dating" him first? Or did something else happen that we don't know about that really, really pissed her off? (Like his making a herpes confession as he was getting on the bus to leave, purely as a hypothetical example.)

Another question I have is: why are people so reckless and stupid? The guy goes to Madison to "date" this stranger he only knows from Facebook. Did he even google her first? Or check to see if she worked where she said she did? He put his life and good health in the hands of a stranger, and he travelled to another state to do it. And the woman? She apparently revealed so much TRUE information about herself on Facebook that the police say they will have no trouble finding her.

You know, maybe these two make a perfect couple.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Edward Scissor-Throat - No It's Not a Porno

Weird shit happens every day. Sometimes weird shit happens to me, but thankfully, it usually happens to strangers I read about on the internet.

Faux Tranny Scamming the Slopes

A young womnan in Colorado named Sarah Nicole Fowke got caught using her boyfriend's skipass. (For those of you who don't know, a ski pass has a picture of the owner on it to prevent theft and "borrowing.") When questioned why she had a man's pass, she claimed it really was her pass, but that she was a male-to-female transsexual. She waxed the shine on this tall tale by adding that her family had disowned her (though she was apparently neither too distraught nor too sore from her surgery to ski).

I know some avid skiers, and they totally would have tried this had they thought of it first!

I finished this Blogpost and then I had a thought. Who does Sarah Nicole look like?
Maybe she was telling the truth!

Apologies to "Stupid"

Calling Sarah Palin stupid is an insult to stupid. And writing a blog to point that out is like putting up a "Caution: Ice on Bridge" sign in Antarctica. But as this is a relatively new blog, I thought one shot at her would lay a good foundation for credibility and humor.

Sarah has spent a good amount of her "bought and paid for" time this week "peshawing" climate change and accusing Al Gore of promoting the idea of climate change so he can make money.

Sarah's full of shit as well as stupid. Al Gore was green before green was cool, way back in the 1980s when the GOP, blue-dog Dem's and many independents had woodies for Ronnie Reagan. The environment was a cheap slut back then, bandied about and used but never taken very seriously by most Americans. But Al was holding hearings on climate change as a Congressman way back then. The suggestion that he jumped on this bandwagon for money is absurd. It's his bandwagon, and he used to ride around on it all by himself, and people mocked him for it.

It is true that Al has invested in green companies and green technologies. But isn't it a good thing to have the principals to put your money where your mouth is?

Unlike Sister Sarah, who just accepted a speaking invitation at a fundraiser for a Canadian medical center, as well as the $200,000.00 speaking fee. This list proves what an amoral whore (the political kind, not the good kind) Sarah Palin is: (1) This is a facility funded by the Canadian government, so in her own words, it is "socialist." (2) The facility performs abortions. (3) The facility provides "end of life directive counseling," what she has called "death panels."

Sarah is complaining because Al has the principals to invest in industries that he believes are on the correct side of reversing the damage caused by greenhouse emissions, while at the same time taking the steaming sack of cash from a facility that by her own judgmental and sanctimonious beliefs is socialist, engages in the murder of fetuses and kills people using death-panels. Hypocrite much, Sarah?

The reason Sarah Palin continues to put dumbasses in seats is because her disciples are, as previously mentioned, dumbasses. She is the charming priest during the dark ages who mocked and even persecuted those who suggested that the earth was round and not flat while the ignorant masses cheered. She is the court jester who mocks the king's enemies to win favor while secretly thinking the king is a moron. (FYI, her disciples are the moronic king in this analogy.) And she is also the cute little kid pulling the loose threat on her shirt until her button falls off. She is not serious, nor should she be taken seriously.

She is still in the news because some people still listen to her with adoration, and she is scary because those fawning fools are superstitious, ignorant, narrow-minded, and easy. Much like W, Sarah is not scary as a hot dog vendor, but as the leader of the free world? *shudder*

How scared are you now? Are you ready for Stupid/Panderer 2012?

Gay Penguin Adoption

Two gay male penguins at a zoo in the UK are raising a baby penguin, and everything seems to be going swimmingly, so to speak.

When the two paired up, the zoo officials first thought they were hetero-, so named them Guido and Molly, but blood tests performed after 16 months together produced no egg showed that both Guido and Molly are male. They adopted an egg abandoned by its parents, kept it safe by taking turns caring for it like any penguin couple, and are now raising the chick as their own.

Good thing there are no penguins in Uganda!

Where's Adam?

The current controversies concerning Adam Lambert are, in my opinion, silly. I don't care that he's gayer than Caption Jack Sparrow and more glittery than a Mardi Gras float. Those are good things, in my view. He's interesting. But there is a controversy concerning the Glambert that has been seriously ignored and must be dealt with. So, I am launching this discussion to get the ball rolling. From the three pictures below, can you pick out Adam Lambert?

Did you pick him out? The other two pictures are Joanne Worley and Liza Minelli. Admittedly, Adam is prettier than both of them, but really, has no one told him that this particular hairstyle makes him look very Worliminelli?

And then there's this issue as well, although less controversial and more, I don't know, distracting(?). Can you pick Adam out of this grouping?

Did you find Adam? The other two are Chris Isaak and Elvis (obviously). And Adam's prettier than these guys too, isn't he? My very conservative (religious), straight, male colleague saw this pic of Adam and said, "He really is a beautiful man, isn't he?" I almost fell out of my chair! "Yes, he is," I responded.

Adam should look however he wants, however he feels most comfortable. He should let his Worliminelli flag fly if that's what he likes. He's beautiful like that too. But personally, I prefer to admire the Glambert visage in its Pressaak look. What do you think?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned - Who Has Access To Food

One woman poured boiling hot grits on her boyfriend because he said he was going to break up with her. Another woman battered her man with a raw steak because he refused a slice of bread and asked for a dinner roll instead. What the fuck?

I have heard of using sex as a weapon. And I've heard of substituting food for sex. But using food as a weapon? These attacks are both a waste of food and too messy - which you know the women are going to have to clean up because GOD KNOWS the men are not going to lift a finger to clean anydamnthing!

I admit the steak one just seems funny to me, but boiling hot grits can seriously fuck you up! I mean the "he's gonna need skin grafts" kind of fucked up. That shit burns! Of course, the dude told her he was going to break up with her, then he went to bed and went to sleep, apparently knowing full well that she had access to grits, water, and heat. Idiot! He had to know something bad was going to happen.

Here's the rule for future reference: When you break up with someone, one of you has to LEAVE THE PREMISES. If you go to another room and just go to sleep after dumping a grits-boiling maniac, you're gonna get burned. I'm just sayin'.

Also, FYI - The only thing worse than grits-burns are cheese-grits-burns. That shit really, really burns!

Uganda Proposes Law to Kill Gay People - With a Little Acquiescence from Some American "Christians"

A proposed new law in Uganda seeks to imprison people for life for being gay, and hang them if they are HIV+. Sound shocking? Wait until hear about the American connection! (If you read that and thought to yourself, "Well, killing them prevents the spread of the disease and they're gonna die anyway," then get the hell off my Blog - NOW!)

The religious group "The Family," in the US also known as the "C Street" group that includes Senators Tom Coburn and James Inhofe of Oklahoma, Jim DeMint and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, Chuck Grassley of Iowa, John Thune of South Dakota, and Sam Brownback of Kansas, as well as some relationship with SC Governor Sanford, counts as its members the legislator in Uganda that sponsored this "Kill the Gays Bill." The Family is a so-called "Christian" fellowship that includes, among its tenets, the belief that those whom God has put into power cannot and should not be challenged or questioned, including such horrifying past leaders as Pol Pot, Stalin, etc., and they support dictators, such as the leader of Uganda.

Although some members of The Family in the US have quietly opposed the "Kill the Gays Bill" in Uganda, not one has taken a public stand against it. Not one.

It gets worse: You know the National Prayer Breakfast that takes place in DC every year? It's sponsored by The Family. And they have invited the "Kill the Gays Bill" legislator from Uganda to attend it. Nothing like inviting a genocidal maniac to your prayer breakfast, eh?

(The picture shows US Senator Ensign and Ugandan lawmaker Yoweri Museveni (the man behind the Kill the Gays Bill), both members of The Family.)

You know, if you're going to claim the moral high ground, the first thing you should probably do is make a big spectacle out of condemning murder. The second thing you should likely do is disassociate yourself from genocidal maniacs and oppressive dictators. (FYI - Rick Warren has at least publicly opposed the bill. Is he not fundamentalist enough for you, Family?)

What's even more disconcerting: US Members of The Family have travelled to Uganda and met with the Uganda Family members, discussing and comparing ways to deal with "the gays." It appears that the idea to "kill the gays" came from a Ugandan Family member. However, it also appears that the US Family members did not or could not dissuade him from this sinister plot. And he's still a member of The Family. Invited to participate in the US National Prayer Breakfast.

Believing that power comes from God and is absolute, like The Family appears to, how can they tell their Ugandan brother that his Kill the Gays Bill is wrong? Apparently, they can't.

That is one dysfunctional fucking family.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Glee: Moronic or Genius?

I've watched almost all episodes of Glee, and I still cannot decide if it's genius or inane. I think it's funny, but it seems to take itself seriously, so I feel like I'm laughing AT the characters and not with them. And I just feel guilty laughing at this guy
(He's my favorite BTW. He's like a cute little gay puppy. Making fun of him, or dousing him with a slushee, is just not funny!)

Why I think the show is inane: (1) The moronic football player guy really believes he got his "virgin" girlfriend pregnant when he "released" while in the hottub with her. What I find a little offensive is that the show never really dispelled this mythological method of insemination, so I know there are thousands of ignorant people running around who actually believe this can happen. (2) They continue to make sport of the Glee Club, bullying and assaulting them, right in front of teachers, effectively giving license to this behavior. Yeah, I know, it's only TV, but watching insecure kids get bullied is not my idea of fun. Think Revenge of the Nerds, not "bugger the nerds senseless." (3) Everyone on the show (except Evil Sue and Gay Puppy) is really, really dimwitted. Really, everyone. That's just not possible. In any group that size, you can find more than 2 reasonably intelligent people. Maybe the target audience demands this kind of "writing down," but I find it disappointing, especially when nerdiness and smart tend to go hand in hand (though not always).

Why the show is genius: (1) JANE LYNCH as Sue.
OMFG this lady is hysterical! And her character is complex, not just the 2-D villain in many high school shows. (2) The singing and dancing, with complete emotional commitment and abandon. If you're gonna be in Glee, you have to commit. The show conveys that, and it makes it work. (3) The show goes completely out of the box with every episode. Down Syndrome cheerleader applicant; mattress commercial; high school coming-out; fake stutterers. The writers are very, very creative. (4) The talent of the cast (obviously).

I'm going to keep watching, for now, to see if the football moron learns anything about human reproduction and/or the Gay Puppy finds love and to enjoy the singing. Let me know what you think.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Santa Will Run a Bitch Down!

Don't believe in Santa Clause? You better get on board cuz Santa will run a bitch down!

In Canada, a woman was run over by the Santa Clause float in her town's Christmas parade. When I saw this headline my only thought was, "How fucking slow is that woman?" I mean, parade floats, like "float" down the street. I've participated in a few parades in my life, and you can just mosey and stay ahead of the floats. I think this lady was trying to commit suicide by Santa Clause. Or maybe, just maybe, it was a cry for help.

I just wonder if she has "Clause marks" on her back.

Who's Scary?

Years ago I heard something on Oprah (Shut-up! You've watched her too!) that stuck with me. There are two basic human emotions: Love and Fear. All of our feelings and motivations come from either love or fear. If this is true, then I have a question for you. Whom do fear?

Are you afraid of Adam Lambert? Adam Lambert has been in the news a lot lately because he danced in a very sexy way with a man and kissed a male member of his band. Does that scare you? It doesn't scare me. Adam seems like a really friendly guy who happens to be gay and enjoys glamming it up a bit. If you are afraid of Adam, I submit you need to get over your homophobia and embrace your inner hag. He is so not scary!

Does President Oabama scare you? Barrack Obama is our first African-American President, and his father was from Kenya. Do you think he is scary? I don't. His father came to the US to get a college education, and had he not been killed, had the potential to be influential in Kenyan politics. That apple didn't fall far from that tree! President Obama is a really, really smart guy with loads of charisma and ambition, like many former U.S. Presidents. He has not said or done anything to scare me. I can understand people being dismayed if they disagree with his political agenda, but that's not what I am seeing on TV with the weeping white people rending their garments and wailing that they "want their country back." To them I say "Your country is right here, you racist psychopaths!" Very little has actually changed in the last 10 months other than the economy starting to pick up.

George W. Bush was our President for 8 years and during that time, he cleared brush and read children's books while we suffered the worst terror attack on US soil, he lied to us repeatedly about Iraq's involvement in in 9/11 so he could go to war there, resulting in thousands of dead Americans (and thousands more wounded)and tens of thousands of dead Iraqis, he took a budget surplus and converted into a huge deficit and took us to the brink of another potential great depression. Did you fear him? I did! Not because of his stated political points of view, but because he seemed to me, from the beginning, to be rather dimwitted. Giving power to incompetent people is scary to me. As a hot dog vendor, W is not scary at all. As leader of the free world, it was like The Saw without the comedy relief.

Fear can be a very good thing. It is part of our survival instinct (if you believe in evolution, but that's for another blog). Fearing things you do not understand isn't bad if you are rational about it and inform yourself to gain a better understanding. So consider someone you find scary, and do some real investigation. Don't rely on the chumming of the shark tanks that takes place in popular media, but do some actual investigation of the person. Read his or her books, listen to his or her interviews. Get a sense of who the person actually is, not the caricature painted by media.

With better understanding, you may decide you had no reason to fear after all, or you may decide that you should have been afraid all along. But remember, in the words of one of my favorite movie characters from Strictly Ballroom, "A life lived in fear is a life half lived."

Monday, December 7, 2009

Some Americans' Definition of Obscene is Obscene

Do you all remember when former US Attorney General John Ashcroft put curtains in front of the historical and beautiful statue of lady justice because the statue depicts one bare breast? (The DOJ spent $8000 on this, BTW.) If you thought he was right to do so, then get the hell off my blog right fucking now! You have the right to your ignorant opinion, but I have the right to think you're stupid.

If, like me, you think John Ashcroft is a puritanical tool, then you may stay.

Recently, the pin-headed spirit of John Ashcroft descended upon the Texas hamlet of Big Spring. A resident there placed a garden statute, a 5-foot replica of the exquisite Renaissance statute of David, in his front yard wearing a Santa hat and white beard. Some of the other residents made complaints to the police claiming it was "obscene."

I have to agree that defacing David with a Santa hat and beard might be obscene, but the residents weren't complaining about the additional clothes. They were complaining about his lack of pants. Really.

Oh, woe unto the poor children of Big Spring, Texas for being exposed to one of the most famous pieces of art in human history. How do the children of Italy, survive with such obscene filth surrounding them? OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Is this really a problem? OK, your little boys in Texas presumably have penises, so they aren't seeing anything they haven't seen before. And presumably some of the girls in Texas have brothers or boy cousins so it can't have been a complete shock to them that boys have penises. And even if they don't, IS IT REALLY A SECRET THAT BOYS HAVE PENISES? It's nude art, people, not pornography!

And if you get a funny feeling "down there" from looking at Lady Justice or David, don't project your shit onto everyone else. Handle it on your own like any decent person would.

Please, For the Love of GOD, Stop Thanking HIM for Helping You Score a Touchdown!

If there is a God (or gods) I hope He (or they) have better things to do than help you score touchdowns and hit homeruns. If you are "devout" in your faith (which means pious, sincere, serious), why are you making a sports and PR spectacle of it?

Do you know what would be "serious?" Donating part of the bagillions of dollars you make for running around with a ball in your hand (or chasing the guy running around with a ball in his hand) to help the hungry, the poor, the homeless, the sick. You know, do the things your proclaimed personal savior would do.

So I put this challenge to the hundreds of obscenely rich sporties who have money and adoration showered over them because they can run, hit, slide, and spit: instead of thanking God or Jesus or Allah or whomever when you get the camera in your face and the mike at your mouth, announce your sizeable donation to a legit charity where the ample fruits of your talents can actually be put to some use and make a real difference.

Or don't. You don't owe anyone anything. It just seems logical to me: if you are truly devout in your faith, so devout that you feel it's necessary to thank Him or Her or Them or It for helping you score (or stop a score), then you must seriously care about your fellow human beings. And if you don't seriously care about your fellow human beings, then you are just giving lip service and I don't want to fucking hear it any more.

The Vietnamese Finger Mohel Strikes Again

While I was enjoying a manicure a few weeks ago, the manicurist carelessly pressed the fingernail clippers against the tip of my left ring finger and began to depress the clippers whilst the tip of my finger was between the shiny, sharp blades. Panicked, I quickly jerked my endangered hand (as well as my soaking right hand) away and looked at the "-ist" with a shocked expression on my face. He just smiled at me.

I am not altogether comfortable with strangers touching me, like, at all. But when I "put myself out there" for a mani or a pedi, I do so with optimism and hope for a positive experience. When things go badly, as they did on this occasion, I have to emotionally re-group in order to go back.

So, having sought counseling for the traumatic almost-circumcision of my poor gentile finger, I was able to "put myself out there" again this past weekend. My pedi was marvelously performed by a female salon worker who worked gently and efficiently.

When I was shod in the foamy faux-flip-flops, I slid over to the mani station only to find myself eye to eye with the Vietnamese Finger-Mohel. And he was not smiling.

I know mani/pedi etiquette demands that I remain still and relaxed and let the "-ists" do their thing, but I don't think that rule requires me to sacrifice part of my finger. So, I really did not consider my prior behavior a breach of etiquette in any way. Hoping the mohel agreed, I sat down and put my hands in his hands again.

No clippers this time. At all. (Thank the gods.) But I was a bit of a wreck the entire time anyway, the emotions of guilt (for mistrusting the "-ist") and fear (for my finger's well being) battled inside me while I tried carefully not to watch him use the cuticle trimmer. Suddenly, I felt a painful pinch on my left ring finger and pulled my hand back. This time he looked at me like I was insane. I told him, "That hurt." He just nodded, as if to say, "Yes, I know." For better or worse, I returned my hand to him and let him finish the mani. It ended without major bloodshed. I even tipped him - even though he had almost "tipped" me twice!

First, did my left ring finder offend this guy in some way? I mean I have ten fingers, but he is picking on this one. Admittedly, I don't use it too much except for typing most of the letters in "except" and "letters." But it completes the set, so I'm kinda attached to it.

Second, is it really that difficult to avoid removing chunks of flesh while providing manicure services? If it was such a hazardous endeavor, it would not be so popular, right? Maybe I have weird fingers. I don't know.

Anyway, I guess I need to find a new salon. My only remaining question: Should I go back and give the Vietnamese Finger-Mohel the finger?