Friday, February 26, 2010

Puck You, IOC!

The Canadian Women's Hockey team won the Gold Medal for the third consecutive time. They shook hands, high fived, got their medals, sang "O, Canada," and then celebrated. Then they apologized.

Apparently the IOC was upset because they took the celebration back onto the ice after the spectators were gone, drinking beer and champagne, smoking cigars, and taking pictures. As far as I have been able to discern, there were no illegal drugs, no hookers (or gigolos) and no damage was done to the arena.

Apparently, the IOC is OK with muckity-mucks taking bribes for their vote on the next Olympic host, but not OK with fun.

On behalf of the Canadian Women's Hockey Team (though they have no idea who I am), let me say to the IOC - "PUCK YOU, HOSERS. YOU SUCK!"

Those ladies worked their asses off for years to be that good at hockey. And most of them will never be able to make a living at it since professional sports are basically non-existent for women.

What's more, we're talking hockey, here, not Ladies Fig's (which I just learned refers to Ladies Figure Skating). It's rough and violent and fast and stinky. It's the least civilized of all the winter sports. Did you expect them to celebrate with flourishing bows in sequined outfits? If you did, you're pretty fucking stupid.

So I say if they wanna guzzle some beer and smoke some stogies in the privacy of the empty arena, who the hell are you to object? Mind your own business, eh.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Elderly Italian Chef Enjoys Eating Pu$$ie$

A TV chef in Italy has been suspended from production because of his love of Gatto in Umido. In English, this is CAT STEW.

The fur began to fly during a broadcast of the live show when 77 year old chef Giuseppe "Beppe" Bigazzi began explaining that the stew is a delicacy of the Tuscan Arno Valley.

Apparently, the feline nosh become popular as a result of food shortages during and after WWII. But Beppe insisted that it was not purely out of desperation, but an appreciation of the delectable taste. He instructed how to prep Garfield and what kind of sauce is best.

The co-host was shocked and the producers offended. Beppe refused to apologize and was suspended. He predicted he would be excoriated by what he called "racist environmentalists."

I'm not sure what race has to do with eating cats. And I doubt sparing kitty from the crock-pot will help fight global warming. Beppe simply doesn't get it. People don't want to imagine him eating Fluffy.

The divergence between pet and food is more blurry for some species: rabbits, pigs, guinea fowl, etc. But cats? Not so much, at least among western cultures.

I actually have cats as pets. But I don't think his POV is that offensive. It's not like he's trapping people's pets and serving them in his restaurant. At least I don't think he is.

People can be such snobs. In huge portions of the world, people eat reptiles and insects. And we are offended by cat stew? Please!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Let Texas Secede, Raise America's IQ

Just saw this on The Daily Kos and had to pass it along and comment.

According to a University of Texas/Texas Tribune Poll, nearly 1/3 of Texans believe humans and dinosaurs roamed the earth at the same time. Even worse, more than half of Texans reject the theory that humans developed from earlier species of animals.

I just ....... no words. It gets even worse.

* 38 percent of Texans agreed with the statement "God created human beings pretty much in their present form about 10,000 years ago."

* 22 percent of Texans said life has existed in its present form since the beginning of time

* 51 percent of Texans disagreed with the statement, "human beings, as we know them today, developed from earlier species of animals."

* only 41 percent pf Texans know that humans did not live at the same time as the dinosaurs

Americans - including Texans - have access to technology and education, and yet these knuckle-draggers are holding us back. (The irony - they reject evolution, and yet prove it by being superstitious cavemen (cavepeople?).) Remember this earlier blog about the less-evolved Neanderthals? Well, friends, we have found a tribe of them in Texas. How fitting.

So all you tea-bagging rednecks in Texas who want to secede from the US - go for it. Please. Form your own little ignorant Neanderthal nation and see what happens when you make neo-Neanderthals with your cousins. Good riddance to useless dead weight.

Afterword - Just as I was wrapping this up, I went looking for a picture of a human riding a dinosaur online, and I found this. "Why is it so difficult for people to accept that dinosaurs and humans once lived together?" the writers ask. Really? Um - just off the top of my head: carbon dating, scientific method, archaeological excavation, and thinking. Dumb shits.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Kansas, I Don't Think You're in Kansas Anymore

Kansas lawmaker Steve Brunk (R) (*shock*) equated the crime of rape with grand theft auto.

He is supporting a bill that would prohibit private insurance from covering voluntary abortions unless the insured buys a "special" plan. This prohibition would not apply to abortions performed to save the life of the mother, or in cases of rape or incest, but in the latter cases, ONLY if the victim filed a police report. No police report - no insurance, just like your car was stolen. That's what he said.

It always amazes me that Republicans want government just small enough to fit into everyone's bedroom, and into a woman's uterus. I though the GOP wanted the government out of people's lives. Oh, I see, they want government out of their lives, and infringing into other people's lives.

I would ask Mr. Brunk if he supports health care reform so that poor families can get medical care for their children. I would ask Mr. Brunk what he has done to fund adoption programs. And I would ask him to mind his own fucking business and let the private insurance industry and private citizens do business without his self-righteous, misogynistic POV being foisted on them. Yeah, I said foisted - the real "f-word."

What happened to Kansas? It used to be middle America. Now its the land of kooks and hatemongers who beat their chests with Bibles. Are lack of compassion and obsession with other people's reproductive choices tenets of Christianity that no one told me about?

If this is Kansas, give me Oz.

Tax Protesters are Stupid

No, this is not a picture from September 11, 2001. This is from today.

In Texas, a tax-protesting-moron named Joseph Stack (let's call him "Joe the Dumber") set fire to his own house and then flew a small plane into an office building. He's a terrorist. Don't care that he's a right-wing white guy in Texas. Killing a bunch of innocent people because the world will not conform to his personal idea of Nirvana is a terrorist act. And I'm guessing he won't even get 72 virgins. Moron.

No one loves paying taxes. Despite what Rush and Glenn may tell people, liberals don't get teary and sentimental paying taxes (at least I don't). We just agree with the rather capitalistic idea that we should pay for what we get: like military protection, police and fire services, paved roads, FEMA, a public education, air traffic controllers, the DMV, street lights (traffic and illuminating), etc. The list can go on and on and on. We take for granted the many services our federal, state, and local governments provide that make our lives bearable. They provide these services so we can have a stable and comfortable society, so we can live, so we can do business.

Do the big bailouts piss me off? They sure as hell do! But that does not excuse me from paying taxes. Plus, we forget that when there are bailouts, the money usually gets paid back. Back in the S&L crisis in the 1980s, the Resolution Trust Corporation was created for bailing out, and all of that money was repaid. And many banks today have repaid their bailout money. Plus, we still have banks, which we kinda need to do business.

So can we stop acting like petulant children, or in the case of Joe the Dumber, like suicidal terrorist douchebags? As a percentage, Americans pay lower taxes than most other industrialized countries, and we have a very stable government, a great military, and a free society in which to live and transact business. Maybe when we pay our taxes, we should console ourselves with the fact that we get something pretty great for our money.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Making Fun of Sister Sarah - The International Language

One technique for ending adversarial relationships is finding common ground. We may have found common ground with the middle east - at least Saudi Arabia. Apparently, Saudis like to make fun of Sarah Palin too.

When Hillary Clinton recently held a town meeting in the Arab country, the following transpired: "Does the prospect of Sarah Palin one day becoming president maybe terrify you?" the student asked. "And if so, would you consider emigrating to Canada or possibly even Russia?"

She laughed heartily at the question and said no, she would not emigrate from the US, but she would visit a lot.

Do you know what terrifies me? This student in Saudi Arabia knows that Sister Sarah is an ignorant tool, but large numbers of Americans think she should be our next President. To quote Forest Gump, "Stupid is as stupid does." Well, supporting Palin in any election - and I mean any - is STUPID. And anyone who does it is, IMO, STUPID.

I will grant one except to the sweeping judgment of stupidity: it is possible that someone could vote for Palin because he or she simply hates this country. That could be. Though aside from malice and stupidity, I see no rational basis to ever take her seriously. And this bright young man from Saudi Arabia agrees with me.

So with this common ground, I hope that our Secretary of State can forge a better relationship with the Arab world. After all, if enemy of my enemy is my friend, then surely the other people who mock the redneck wolf-shooting moron are my friends as well.

This Just In: Adam Lambert Bitch-Slaps Rudeness

Two nights ago Glambert was performing a "stripped" (read acustic) concert for Iheartradio in NYC. Right in the front row, a woman took a cell phone call and proceed to talk on the phone very loudly during a rather emo performance of "Whadaya Want From Me." He made it through most of the song, then stopped singing. While the band continued to play for a moment, he asked her to turn off her phone. Told her she was "yelling" into the phone. Gave her a "Really?" And then mocked her a little saying "You're not watching TV, honey. This is a live show." Then he started the song over, much to the elation of the crowd.

The first blog I saw discuss this ( called Adam a Diva for behaving this way.

Thereafter, most bloggers and reporters have been pretty ncie to him, siding against rude cell phone use at such an event.

I had several thoughts about this entire kerfuffle -

Why even go to such a concert, fighting the crowd, parking, etc., only to piss on the event by talking on the phone? If you need to talk on the phone, stay home, or go to a Kanye West concert where rudeness is celebrated.

And holy balls! What cajones to take the call and shout into the phone right in front of American's newest WonderGay? Didn't she just know she was gonna get called out? Does Adam seem shy? At all?

She should count herself lucky that one of the cougar-aged LambSkanks in attendance didn't rip out her hair and lecture her on Adam's inherent glittery perfection.

Adam may have lost one fan by embarassing her for her rudeness. But he may have gained a whole new group of fans who know nothing about his music but are sick and fucking tired of rude and inconsiderate behavior.

*chanting* Go Glambert! Go Glambert! Go Glambert! Go Glambert!

You can see the video of the metaphorical bitch-slap here.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sparkles Likes Dogs, Hates Pussies

Robert Pattinson, aka "Sparkles," recently told Details magazine, "I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas." He also revealed that he "likes dogs."

Um, Sparkles, I have a few questions.

1 - Can you be a heterosexual and still hate vaginas? I am going to answer this myself: I don't see why not since there are straight men who hate women altogether. As examples I cite Rush Limbaugh (He has to be hetero because the gay community would not put up with that bullshit. They would take a bitch out!) and one of my former employers who I will assign the pseudonym Richard Cranium (who referred to his own mother and his wife as "fat asses"). Still, I suspect those two misogynists would tell you one part of a women they do love is the vagina.

2 - When you say you hate vaginas and you like dogs in the same interview, what am I supposed to infer from that? You don't like bitches? Or is this a veiled way of alluding to a secret affair with Taylor Lautner (who has no vagina and plays a dog in the Twilight movies).

Finally, Sparkles, (Can I call you "Bob?") enough of the secret affair(s) bullshit! Just love who you're gonna love, screw who you're gonna screw, and drop the whole cock/vagina-tease thing. It's boring, and you are really, really confusing your poor tweeny fans. They don't know whether to squeal or flail or just faint. They don't care which team you play for and they sure as hell don't need to know that you are allergic to vaginas.

(Grammar note: Spellcheck kept highlighting "vaginas." Is the plural "vagini" or "vaginae?" Could not figure it out!)

Friday, February 12, 2010

2010 Winter Games in Dire Need of a Snow Job

So with all the hubbub over the blizzard striking the deep south in the US, few have noticed the fact that Vancouver, BC has little or no snow for the 2010 Winter Games opening tonight. In fact, they just ended the warmest January on record for the city.

Maybe we should consider allowing Atlanta, GA to host the next winter games? (This picture from Atlanta taken today!) What with the climate change fiasco we are experiencing, who knows where to ski, or where to sunbathe?

They've had the snow machines running overtime in Vancouver to get the mountains all white and icy for the skiers. But if the spectators show up in shorts, Imma turn it off. Seriously.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Lead, Follow, or Get The Hell Outta the Way!

Pictured: Sen. Minority (GOP) Leader Mitch McConnell, aka "Yurtle, the Turtle"

OK, GOP, you had the White House for 8 years and Congress for 7 years, and you screwed it all up so badly, it may take an entire generation to recover.

So deservedly, you lost many elections and you are the minority party. Now, take your lumps, and act like you give a crap about your country. You do this by taking the lead, following, or getting the hell out of the way.

Sure, you can probably win political momentum by simply being the party of Nope. (If this happens and you regain power by obstructing everything, the people get what they deserve. Also, turnabout is fair play. So expect similar treatment.)

But how much do you really hate your country and its people? Enough to see it flounder and its people jobless, without medical care, and suffering? Apparently, you are just a bunch of power-hungry, narcissistic, opportunistic pricks. Why else would you now threaten to filibuster and stop legislation you have previously supported, or even co-sponsored?

Like any bad child, you will not behave unless forced, so I will direct the remainder of my blog to the Democrats.

Democrats, get your head out of your tolerant, PC asses and fight for the American people.

Ex A - Sen. Dick Shelby(R-AL) has 70 federal homeland security appointments held up because he wants a huge earmark contract for an Airbus plant in his state. (Airbus is a French company, BTW.) They did this crap under Clinton too. So, change the rules. Publicly shame him at every opportunity. Dig up dirt on him and make him irrelevant. Stop taking this shit so peacefully. Right now, you are his accomplice in hurting the American people because you are doing nothing to stop him.

Ex B - GOP threatens to filibuster - everything. LET THEM! Let them filibuster and stand there on TV for days reading encyclopedias to prevent the government from functioning. Call their stupid bluff. What are you afraid of? I predict that the longer those dumb-asses talk, the higher the approval rating for the Dem's and Obama will go.

Ex C - The GOP lies, lies, lies, and they are not smart enough to lie cleverly. President Obama's question time with the GOP was a great first step in calling them out. Do it more! When they go on TV and lie, call a freaking press conference, go on the nightly news, do something, and CALL THEM LIARS. Especially the ones who lie all the time - McConnell, Palin, Rove, Cheney, etc (the list is too long).

Finally, accept that the GOP has been taken over by scary nuts. Large percentages of self-identified Republicans think Obama is not a citizen of the US, think Obama should be impeached, think that Obama is a socialist, etc. The Tea Baggers are advocating literacy tests to vote, and let's be honest - they are Republicans. (Racist much?) Show me something that is not white, christian, heterosexual, and/or NASCAR, and I'll show you something they hate (read "fear").

I say give them lip service and shame the GOP into cooperating if you can, but be prepared to cut the head off that snake, 'cause dudes (and dudettes), it's a snake. It's not your friend, and it's not on your side. What's worse, it's not on any side but its own.

Friday, February 5, 2010

EW! and OMG! and WTF!? All in One Story


OK, the EW! - some guy had sex with a 10-year-old girl. Hope they find that molesting bastard and lock his pervy ass up.

Now the OMG! - it was reportedly a vaginal delivery. An 11 year old girl is not fully grown, her bones are not fused, and her small size and mid-pubescent body is NOT designed for pregnancy or delivery. Doctors say she may not grow any more because of this pregnancy.

And finally, the WTF!? - One of the reports I saw on this story said the baby's father is the girl's mother's (the baby's grandmother's) boyfriend. And Grandma announced that the baby is "absolutely beautiful." I'm glad, but WTF!? Grandma should go to jail too. What the fuck is her problem?

If I have ever heard a case for an abortion, this was it. (Yeah, that's right, I said it!) Since that decision was not made when it should have been, I hope all are healthy and fine. But let's go back to week 6 of the 10 year-old's pregnancy. What went through that fucked-up mom's mind? "Oh goody, a grandchild! And he'll look just like my hot boyfriend since he's the baby daddy."

I think a more rational reaction would have been: "Officer, can you come arrest my child-molesting boyfriend who knocked-up my 10-year-old daughter. Then we'll need a ride to the local Women's Health Clinic to terminate this pregnancy that is a monumental and criminal mistake that is endangering my daughter's health and life.")

I always think that I have heard the most bizarre thing ever and I will never get surprised again, and then fucked-up shit like this happens, and I am stunned.

So to summarize - EW! and OMG! and WTF!?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Don't Worry Utah, Sen. Hatch Does Hate Gay People After All!

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch told MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell earlier today that he “believe[d] there are very outstanding, patriotic gay people who serve in the military. … And they shouldn’t have to lie about being gay.” When asked if he would support of Don't Ask, Don't Tell (aka Lie Your Ass Off To Die For Your Country), he said he "didn't know about that." Not exactly waving a rainbow flag, but pretty middle-of-the-road for the conservative Mormon Republican. This obviously made news.

Cue back-peddling!

Clearly afraid that his conservative Mormon constituents might think he does not H8 gay people, he quickly amended his previous position, stating "It’s deeply regrettable that liberal groups are misconstruing my position on ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ for activist purposes. I certainly do not support repealing this policy.”

Whew! Close call, there Orrin! Your gay-H8ing constituents might have had to find a more conservative alternative to you the next time your dynasty in the Senate is up for review. (Of course, being Utah, it won't be Tea Baggers, 'cause Mormons aren't permitted to consume that evil drink.)

In all seriousness, it's too bad Orrin couldn't be the leader he seemed to instinctively want to be. He sounded like a reasonable guy there for a few minutes. Then the GOP Nope police pulled him over and most assuredly beat him into political submission. Orrin, Teddy would be ashamed of you.

Is there not a single leader in the GOP? Not one? No one who's willing to do what even he or she thinks is best for the country? It's sad to see the Party of Lincoln has degenerated to this - mindless automatons who hold onto the Nope rope in order to obstruct governing.

I have a couple of questions for you, GOP. If you do get some power, who is going to lead you? And what if you reap what you sow and the Dems become the party of Nope? What will you do then?

Don't worry your empty little heads about it right now. It's not like your party to have an exit strategy anyway. Fiddle-Dee-Dee. Worry about that tomorrow. For now, take comfort in the fact that your party is still the party of Nope - and H8.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Why Would Anyone Want to Bring Marie Antoinette Back from the Dead?

I know PigeonPoll is stupid anyway, but this just caught my attention. The poll question: Who would you want to bring back from the dead? Most of the options were musical performers, Elvis, Janis Joplin, etc. But one option was Marie Antoinette.

Marie Antoinette? Who the fuck would want to bring back Marie Antoinette?

First, we probably wouldn't be able to communicate because her dialect of French would be difficult to understand (I'm guessing).

Second, what a spoiled bitch! Let them eat cake?

And finally, how many Americans even know who the hell she is?

Come on, PigeonPoll. Give us some real options. I didn't even see Michael Jackson on the list!

(Though, on the up side - we could land a rescue helicopter on her foreheadscape.)

Neo-Cons are Neo-Crazy

So this guy, Daniel Pipes, who opposes and "fears" Obama's policies (his words) has suggested that he (Obama) can save his presidency by "bombing Iran." WHAT! THE! FUCK?!!!

We mock Ahmadinejad for being crazy, psycho, homicidal, whatever, when he suggests that Israel should be destroyed. How is he any different from Daniel Pipes? They both have beards. They are both homicidal. They both like attention. And neither has any real power. Huh. Not different at all.

Mr. Pipes' suggestion has several layers of crazy.

Layer 1 - bombing any country to "save" your political job is evil to the tenth power. As exhibit A, I offer this evil dude who truly redefined "wagging the dog:"

Layer 2 - It is crazy to suggest that Obama would do such a thing IMO. In addition to what he is already forced to do in Iraq and Afghanistan, Obama may have to bomb something or someone at some point to protect America or its interests, but since he understands the concepts of diplomacy, sanctions, communication, tolerance, multilateral action, and strategy, I trust that if he does, it will only be because there were no other options. Unlike Exhibit A up there.

Layer 3 - Why the fuck would this asshat want to "save" Obama's presidency? Maybe he doesn't. May instead, he wants to prevent him from implementing his policies hoping the US will utterly fail so his minions can swoop in again and profiteer off of America's suffering (as they did with Haliburton after 9/11 and the unwarranted war in Iraq.) What other explanation is there for the GOP to oppose and criticize proposed policies that THEY ONCE CO-SPONSORED!?

And just to complete the red-velvet-like quality to this fucked-up cake - Layer 4 - Have we not pissed off enough Muslims in the world? I know we were the "victims" on 9/11, but since then, we have invaded two Muslim countries, still occupying both. And bombing Iran is really, really a bad idea. There is a growing political movement of moderate, westernized young people in Iran. It will be a struggle there for years to come, but a truly free Iran will only grow from within. It cannot be foisted upon them. Since they are on their way (remember Tienanmen Square in the early 1990s?), let them be. Monitor them, sanction them when they misbehave, etc., but an unprovoked attack?

I know it's like feeding the lions to sing "bomb, bomb, bomb... bomb, bomb Iran." It gets the pulses racing and gives the rednecks "funny feelings in their pants." But that's not leadership, that's hooliganism.

Hooligans at soccer games are scary and potentially deadly. Hooligans in the Whitehouse are really scary and potentially genocidal.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Taylor Gave Swift, Painful Kick to Rhiannon

I have never really been a Taylor Swift fan. But I've also never had much bad to say about her. I found her music a little boring, but it was good enough. And I respect that she writes her own stuff and plays instruments. And as you can see above, she is a very pretty young woman.

Here comes the big BUT:

What she did to Rhiannon with Stevie Nicks last night on the Grammys is truly unforgettable - and not in a good way. She made Stevie Nicks sound good.

I have heard other people say Taylor couldn't sing, and I never really thought that - until last night. She seemed completely oblivious to the fact that she was not even close to singing the right notes. I mean, she wasn't flat or sharp, she was galactically wrong.

I heard one person suggest she was drunk. Does drinking make her deaf? I was a little tipsy watching it, and I could tell she was fucking it up!

I waited 'til today to see if I really wanted to blog about this. It seems like kicking a "bitch" while she is down. But then she won for Album of the Year - over GaGa and Beyonce - and I thought, fuck it. That tone deaf bitch can take a beatdown.

So, to you Taylor Swift, I say this: don't take it to heart. Bob Dylan is a true artist, a poet of his generation, and he can't really sign either. Just stick to writing and keep the singing in the studio where the engineers and reverb can fix it. It's what Brittany does, and it seems to work for her.

Also, all you cool cats who mock American Idol - did you hear Carrier Underwood and Jennifer Hudson? They sounded fantastic! Maybe the rest of the music industry can use a little Hollywood Week and Simon-judging - DAWG.