Friday, January 29, 2010

I Just Cannot Let This Go Without Comment

I just saw someone comment online that a celebrity was "much taller in person."

*painfully elongated eye-roll*

Are you really that fucking stupid? Or is English your second language? Obviously, he is EXACTLY THE SAME HEIGHT YOU MORON!

No, the TV is not actual size, and that reality TV star was not performing for you from inside the lighted box in your "TV Room." It is a broadcasted signal that goes magically through the air and then makes a purdy picture in your mobile home. (Shall I send you a sticker for your TV machine that says "Remember: Not Actual Size")

What I think you meant to say was that you didn't realize how tall he was. Learn to speak English fucker. And until you do, lay off the immigrants who speak with an accent. No wonder they can't learn English. We don't know how to speak it real good [(intentioally incorrect grammer)] ourselves.

Don't They Have the Death Penalty in Kansas?

This homicidal douchebag was convicted of murder today in Kansas. He's the scumbag who killed Dr. George Tiller.

The media has really done a piss-poor job of reporting this case. Yes, Dr. Tiller performed late-term abortions, but the news rarely ever described the types of circumstances that lead to such a difficult and emotionally devastating procedure. Listening to the media, you would think pregnant women just decided in their third trimester to abort their pregnancies for convenience sake. This is NOT THE CASE!

Late term abortions are rare. In 2003, from data collected in those areas that sufficiently reported gestational age, it was found that 6.2% of abortions were conducted from 13 to 15 weeks, 4.2% from 16 to 20 weeks, and 1.4% at or after 21 weeks.

Late term abortions are also highly regulated by states, with the Supreme Court permitting states to prohibit the practice except in cases of threat to the life or health of the mother with the fetus's viability also being a factor.

So no, large pregnant women never flocked to Dr. Tiller to kill their babies. That's a filthy fucking lie, a lie that these pitiable women don't deserve since they ended up in his clinic because of some serious health issues, and were forced to make a horrible, unenviable decision.

So when his murderer got on the stand this week and admitted killing Dr. Tiller, and stated that he did not regret doing so, I was glad. I was glad because I knew SCOTT ROEDER would be convicted and spend the rest of his life in prison.

Apparently, his poor lawyer tried to convince the jury (and the judge) to convict him of the lesser offense of voluntary manslaughter, but the judge wold not even permit the jury to consider that since the facts support murder, not manslaughter.

So Roeder gets to be considered for parole in 25 years, 50 years if the prosecutor has her way. Either way, it is too light a sentence for a premeditated murder trying to interfere with women's health care. Dr. Tiller gets no reprieve. I'm not sure why Roeder should. Doesn't Kansas have the death penalty?

I'm not sure I believe in Hell. But if it exists, I cannot wait for Roeder to get there.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Oh, Fernando, Say It Ain't So!

So, this is maybe the weirdest thing ever. An ABBA-themed amusement park? I can already imagine it: the staff all wear white satin outfits with loose-fitting Merlin-sleeves; the (all white) patrons' eyes are glazed over; and after the first three rides, you may as well leave BECAUSE THEY WILL ALL BE EXACTLY ALIKE.

I actually like ABBA. For 3.7 songs. Then I'm done. Cuz all their songs sound EXACTLY ALIKE! That being said ...

Here are a few questions: (1) Only ABBA music? Cuz - EW! (2) Are you gonna serve Swedish food? I mean once you get past the meatballs and the fish (the red candy) you're kinda out of palatable options. (3) What about all the hip, minority children in London and surrounding area? Is there a cool alternative? (4) Is this really a hoax?

If Michael Jackson and Donny & Marie (shut up, they're cool - ish)couldn't support amusement parks, why ABBA?

Isn't it punishment enough for Londoner's to have to see this?

(That photo is from HIS website, BTW.)

Must they also suffer hearing "Chiquitita" in a loop? OH GOD! THE HUMANITY!

Monday, January 25, 2010

You Can Teat Death

In upstate NY, a dairy farmer shot 51 of his cows and then himself - allegedly. While very sad, this story tilts the scales towards the bizarre side of the equation. I think there is something here WE DON'T KNOW! Allow me to speculate.

Alt 1 - In a very Far Side-ish move, on of the 50 surviving cows actually killed the farmer to stop the bovinacide, though how she managed to hold and aim a gun and pull a trigger I have not yet determined.

Alt 2 - He had a side job at the US Post Office and just forgot where he was.

Alt 3 - He was fucking tired of milking cows twice a day.

I suppose I am going to hell for making light of a suicide (if indeed it was a suicide), but killing 51 dairy cows? I mean, what deserves to be mocked more than that?

A final question: why do suicidal people find it necessary to take others down with them? Yeah, he saved his poor wife from having to milk cows twice a day for a while, but really what he did was KILL 51 VERY PRODUCTIVE DAIRY COWS! It's like he burned half of his family's money before he died! So, if he could hear me, I'd ask him, "What the fuck, you selfish bastard!?"

Here's some unsolicited advice from RampantAnthem: Feeling suicidal? Talk to someone, get some help. Suicide is NOT the answer! But if you have decided you are going to end it all, go someplace private - where your family cannot find your corpse - and LEAVE YOUR FAMILY'S SHIT ALONE! You're hurting them enough by killing yourself. Don't make it worse by giving them the metaphorical finger as you go.

Move Over Glambert, Make Room for Slambert

I had heard some time ago that Adam Lambert's brother Neil wrote a blog called
NegativeNeil. I have also heard Neil described as sarcastic and cynical, really smart and funny.

So this morning I checked out his blog for the first time. And now I have to say, "Move Over Glambert, Make Room for Slambert." This guy is fucking hilarious, and sharp. Check out this mock of the Tea Parties if you don' believe me.

If you are left-leaning, sarcastic, and in dire need of catharsis, check it out.

If you are not any of those things, I suspect he'd like you to read it anyway, just to piss you off!

And BTW, there are pictures of Neil out there, but I don't think he wants to be recognized, so I passed on that option. I featured one of his Tea Party Mocking signs instead.

Friday, January 22, 2010

IDs That Are Also Hypocrits (IDHs)

This blog entry is a sequel to this one. You know, the post where I defined "Ignorant Douchebag" ("ID") in the context of cold weather and climate change?

Well, lately we have had some warmer than normal weather, and yet not one ID has commented to me that "global warming must be true." So, in addition to being IGNORANT, they are also HYPOCRITES!

Also, I just used this picture of Glenn Beck cuz I think he is ignorant, a douchebag, and a hypocrite. I don't really care what he thinks about climate change.

Monday, January 18, 2010

When We Champion Mediocrity and Ineptitude, the Terrorists Win

If you have seen the 1980s movie Amadeus, and you also understood it, you know what I am talking about.
Antonio Salieri, the untalented but politically astute Court Composer and Austrian contemporary of the genius Mozart, is perhaps the epitome of mediocrity. In the movie, he uses that word to describe himself. And mediocrity often gets championed because, really, most people cannot distinguish mediocre from great in every area. For me, it's wine.

I like good wine. But if you put a great wine in front of me next to a good wine, I probably could not tell you which one is better. I can only tell you which one I like better. But there are objective measures of greatness, in wine, in music, in art, in leadership, etc.

Mediocre is still better than awful or inept. As time passes, we can look back and distinguish: Abe Lincoln = great; George H.W. Bush = mediocre; George W. Bush = inept.
Likewise Mozart = great; Salieri = mediocre; General Larry Platt's "Pants On The Ground" = awful. (Yes, it's catchy. So is "The Song That Never Ends" and swine flu. Doesn't make it good. BTW, Salieri's music was called catchy too. Do you ever hear his music now? But you still hear Mozart ALL THE TIME!)

Every once in a while, "great" catches our imagination and gets the attention it deserves. But what we really champion is the "regular guy" doing something we all think we can do. "I voted for that guy cuz he's like me." You know what douchebag, you are not qualified to be President of the United States, so if he's like you, he's not qualified either!

I don't want someone like me running my country, cooking my food, making music, or solving energy problems. I want the smartest and most talented fuckers on the planet working on these things. I want them to be so smart and so talented that they just seem weird to the normal people like you and me.

If we want our civilization to thrive, we have to stop championing mediocrity (and ineptitude) and start recognizing greatness. If we can't do that, maybe we will accidentally trip over greatness once in a while and stay afloat.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Nothing Wrong With Vanilla.

Did you know that Vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream in the world? And not by a small margin. It's favored about 3-1 over the second favorite - chocolate.

So when someone says to you, "Don't be so vanilla!" like that's something to be ashamed of, tell him or her to shut the hell up.

Something that is simple and safe can still be good. Not everything or everyone has to be provocative and full of nuts. Not a thing wrong with vanilla.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Pat Robertson is a Sanctmonious Douchebag

Picking on Pat Robertson is a lot like picking on Sarah Palin. It is too easy. He makes it easy.

Today, Pastor Pat said that Haiti brought the deadly earthquake on itself by making a pact with the devil in the 18th Century to obtain its freedom from French rule. *eyes rolling around in head in disgust, not demon possession*

First, what? Seriously? A pact with the devil? What are you, from the 12th Century?

Second, pacts with the devil expired after like 200 years, so I don't think so.

And finally, I could just as easily (and stupidly) say that all of Christendom brought Islamic Jihad on itself by engaging in the Crusades. Or I could say that the US brought 9/11 on itself by building its entire country on the back of African slaves. I can say anything I want, just like Pastor Pat. Saying it doesn't make it true.

So to Pastor Pat, I would say this (I'm sure he reads my Blog faithfully.): Earthquakes happen because plates of the earth move, you dumb shit, not because some temperamental, but really untimely, deity decides to punish really poor people whose ancestors allegedly made a deal with the devil. You want to convert people to your faith? Stop talking like an ignorant douchebag and do what Jesus would do: help the people of Haiti. Take some of the millions you have accumulated from people's social security and retirement income and send it to Haiti to help provide them with needed clothes, food, and medical care. And for the love of SCIENCE, shut the fuck up.

Monday, January 11, 2010

"Pwetty Pwease wif Sugar on Top?"

It takes a cold heart and a heapin' spoonful of persuasive talent to talk someone into killing your mother. Apparently, Devonna Hines, of Detroit, Michigan, is really, really persuasive. I mean cult-leader levels of persuasive. She is accused of talking her boyfriend, Antoine Perkins, into shooting her 41-year-old mother to death.

Devonna doesn't really look all that special: neither monstrous nor magical. But clearly she possesses some kind of hidden talent or skill that gave her the power to control Antoine, to "cause" him to kill her mother.

If only Devonna had used her Jedi powers for good instead of hypnotizing her weak-minded boyfriend to commit matricide. *sigh*

Finally, I cannot end this blog without noting the strange convergences of fact between Anthony Perkins - who portrayed the mother-killer-taxidermier(a new word I made up) in Psycho - and Antoine Perkins - the mother-in-law-killer in Detroit. Just sayin'. If your last name is Perkins, stay away from all versions on Anthony - Antoine, Antonin, Anton, Tony, Toni, Tonette, etc. Stick with the more reputable Marlin or Elizabeth.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"The Field Behind My Barn Looks Flat, So the Earth Must Be Flat. Right?"

If I have to hear one more ignorant douchebag say that there is no global warming because "it's so cold outside," I might lose it. I live in America, so I expect a certain percentage of people to say stupid things, even ridiculous things, but this one I just cannot get my head around.

I know some people who say it just to get a rise out of me. I ignore them because they're just sadistic douchebags.

It's the people (I use the term loosely) who actually think that a cold day disproves global warming that boggle my homo sapien mind. Their argument is as stupid as looking out behind your barn, observing how flat your cornfield is, and then concluding that the earth is, in fact, flat.

It's as stupid as seeing in the news that a black (or white, Hispanic, or Asian) person committed a crime and concluding that all black (or white, Hispanic, or Asian) people are criminals. And it's as stupid as observing the sun "rise" and "set" each day and insisting that the sun revolves around the earth. (1 in 5 Americans actually still believes this BTW.)

Can I just unleash my response to this moronacity (my new word) here since I know it will be wasted on the aforementioned ignorant douchebags? It's cathartic.

A It's called "climate change" now, not global warming, because

B the warming of the globe melts glaciers which changes the levels, density, temperature, and salinity of the oceans, which alters ocean and air currents, which together alter climate patterns. (This is not my area, and this is my layperson's understanding.)

I know this is complex and requires a level of complex thought that the IDs (i.e. ignorant douchebags) are simply incapable of enjoying. And yet I still get angry. *sigh* I guess I should just pity them, but FUCK! They vote for people like this and this!

As a side note, this inability for complex thought also explains the popularity of NASCAR (cars driving in circles for hours in the blazing heat - really?) and professional wrestling (it's fake you idiot!).

In recent years, some evidence suggested that perhaps the neanderthals did survive and evolve into humans along with the cro magnon man. I have a suspicion:
Neanderthals evolved into the modern "humans" who believe the earth is flat, that the sun revolves around the earth, and that a cold day disproves global warming, and also enjoy NASCAR and professional wrestling.

Cro magnon man evolved into the modern humans who have a fucking clue and use their fucking brains.

I think the Neanderthal descendants need another name. I suggest homo ingorantdouchebagiens, "ignorant douchebags" for short.

Remember this discussion of ID as I intend to use it in future blogs.