Monday, February 15, 2010

Sparkles Likes Dogs, Hates Pussies

Robert Pattinson, aka "Sparkles," recently told Details magazine, "I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas." He also revealed that he "likes dogs."

Um, Sparkles, I have a few questions.

1 - Can you be a heterosexual and still hate vaginas? I am going to answer this myself: I don't see why not since there are straight men who hate women altogether. As examples I cite Rush Limbaugh (He has to be hetero because the gay community would not put up with that bullshit. They would take a bitch out!) and one of my former employers who I will assign the pseudonym Richard Cranium (who referred to his own mother and his wife as "fat asses"). Still, I suspect those two misogynists would tell you one part of a women they do love is the vagina.

2 - When you say you hate vaginas and you like dogs in the same interview, what am I supposed to infer from that? You don't like bitches? Or is this a veiled way of alluding to a secret affair with Taylor Lautner (who has no vagina and plays a dog in the Twilight movies).

Finally, Sparkles, (Can I call you "Bob?") enough of the secret affair(s) bullshit! Just love who you're gonna love, screw who you're gonna screw, and drop the whole cock/vagina-tease thing. It's boring, and you are really, really confusing your poor tweeny fans. They don't know whether to squeal or flail or just faint. They don't care which team you play for and they sure as hell don't need to know that you are allergic to vaginas.

(Grammar note: Spellcheck kept highlighting "vaginas." Is the plural "vagini" or "vaginae?" Could not figure it out!)

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